What Is The Best Fruit For Committing Murder?
by Drew Magary
… I must first remind you that you should never attempt to kill someone with fresh fruit, lest they have basic training: “When you’re walking home at night and some homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don’t come crying to me!”
Anyway, there are any number of poisonous fruits out there, if you’re looking to kill someone in the most passive-aggressive manner possible: nightshade, jimsonweed (“horrific symptoms, including dilated pupils, racing heartbeat, hallucination, delirium, aggressive behavior and possibly coma or seizures”), and more. But that’s not the kind of fruit-related murder we’re talking about. You’re looking for a more aggressive kill, a face-to-face, “I am now ending your life” kind of weapon. You’re looking for…THE DURIAN FRUIT.
The hard spiky shell allows for expert bludgeoning, and should the fruit crack open, the rotting stench inside will stun your opponent and allow you extra time to pulverize his face. I would also recommend coconuts. Very hard, much more so than a pineapple, which could split open upon impact. Raspberries would be a last resort.
By the way, ever prick your finger on a pineapple or an artichoke? It really hurts. I don’t like any fruit or vegetable that’s so hostile to your fingertips. It’s just an artichoke. It doesn’t even taste good. Artichokes are bullshit.
Would you sit in your car for two weeks straight if it meant you’d never have to wait at a traffic light again?
1) We’re only eliminating the waits at traffic signals. All other forms of traffic backups are still in play (wrecks, presidential motorcades, Tracy Morgan running down the street naked, etc.).
2) You are not allowed to leave the driver’s seat of your car for any reason whatsoever. You will have medical staff monitoring your health during the process and making sure you keep the blood flowing (don’t want any Deep Vein Thromboses). You will be given a temporary catheter and a temporary colostomy bag for your evacuation needs. Barring any serious health issues during the two-week span, you do not leave the car.
3) Your car will be parked and stationary for the entire two weeks, so you can spend the time however you choose. Read books, listen to music, learn a new language. Whatever. The world is your oyster.
Do you do it?
It’s not worth it to me if the two weeks don’t also eliminate traffic from my life forever. The average stoplight wait is under a minute. That’s not terrible, plus it gives me a second to yell at my children or check Twitter alerts for my name because I’m a disgusting person. Now, I say that knowing that some rogue traffic lights will keep you waiting for hours on end. There’s an intersection in my vicinity that’s so busy, you have to wait for the three opposing points of traffic to get their own light before you finally have your turn. It’s the worst.
But it’s still not as bad as traffic. You underestimate just how much worse traffic is than any other road obstruction. I go into any road trip FEARING it. That’s how awful traffic is. It has a grip on your psyche, the way death and sexual rejection do. I can hear my life being wasted when I sit in traffic. I can picture everyone else at my end destination already there, happy and free from their vehicles. I want to burst out of my skin and become a rampaging monster when traffic happens. I’d happily stay in a car for two weeks to banish it from my life forever. But just stoplights? Not worth it. Although it would be fun to live in your car for two weeks and see if you could do it. Friends could bring you pizza and weed. You could listen to the radio all day. By the second week, you’d smell like a hobo. Oh, how I’ve dreamed of being a homeless person living in a car—to hit rock bottom and wind up squatting in the back of an old van … so romantic. It would be a real experience.
Full disclosure, I’m a Texans fan and work in Radiation Oncology. Is it just me or is the ChuckStrong shit out of control? I mean, the team had like two months together before he was diagnosed. How strong could the connection have been? Also, it’s the most curable form of cancer.
I know I’m an ass going to hell but come on already. Also, fuck Jim Irsay that guy sucks.
You better watch your back, Texans fan. The people at BIG WRISTBAND do not take kindly to such cynicism. Anyway, I know Chuck Pagano wasn’t the Colts head coach for very long before he received his diagnosis. I’m sure there were players on the roster who barely knew him. But you’re discounting the affection that Pagano engendered AFTER his illness, and the graceful way that both he and Bruce Arians handled the situation. Remember: Coaches are fucking weirdoes. If it had been Bill Belichick getting a leukemia diagnosis, he would have issued a gag order to his oncologist, wiretapped Josh McDaniels’s phone to make sure he wasn’t getting TOO comfortable in his interim position, and he would have kept on banging your aunt.